what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
