let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Randomize
