I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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