can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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