Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
