theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
