Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
i think my cat just said my name.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
