Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
