Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
