By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
