I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
