im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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