i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
