did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
