You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
