happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
