Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
