im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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