a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
