I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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