So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
