yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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