i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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