His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
