dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
