just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
