Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
