She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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