Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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