i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
