Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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