Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
