That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
We need to rekindle our bromance
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
