Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
