she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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