I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I skipped work to stalk him.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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