hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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