I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
