I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
