I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
sarcasm needs its own font
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
