I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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