she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
