taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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