I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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