If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
