i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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