Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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