In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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