I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
