If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
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