seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
